I've drunk the wine of remorse

So many times,

But the cup of repentance

Remains elusive,

While the fire burns and ravages.

My soul cries

For your tears to quench the flame.

It ended there. I guess I never got around to finishing it, but it was enough to make me realise just how much you gave up for me. I guess, in some ways, I still don't understand why you really had to die. Am I worth that much to you, that you should give up your glory, your power... your relationship with God? You even cried out on the cross, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" And it was there, Lord, that you became like an abandoned child, punished for the sins of a people who despised you. There are times, God, that I like to think that you don't exist; that I am the master of my own destiny, and that I am special in and of myself. But then you remind me who I am, and that the only thing that makes me so special is you.

I believe, Father, you know I do. But it's just so hard. There are times that it seems like you're not there, and I feel like I am all alone in a world that doesn't care. Sometimes I get so disappointed with myself that I want to throw it all away.

I know you understand.

When I flipped through those poems, I found a song, too. It really reminded me of you.

I'll cross the river (cross the river)

Of the Jordan (of the Jordan),

And I'll be safe by Jesus' side.

I'll cross the river (cross the river)

Of the Jordan (of the Jordan),

And I'll give myself into his arms.

It's a short Negro spiritual that I wrote for you, Lord. One day, I'll sing it for your glory in heaven. That's where I really belong. A place where I can love and be loved... where I can be free at last... free of hate, of pain, and of this burning desire to sin that hunts me down. Lord, I'm waiting for that day, when you call me home.

I love you, my Father and my Friend. I don't love you because I'm intelligent, or because I realised truth that others just can't grasp, but because you loved me, and chose to reveal to me who you really are. You are Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who became a man, living a sinless life, before becoming sin. You were beaten, spat upon, and finally crucified - just for me. Lord, I can't even understand the sacrifice you made, from being the Prince of Peace, whom all the angels adored, to a lonely child, forsaken and alone - so completely sinful that your own Father could not bear to look at you.

Forgive me Lord, I'm only a man... and I can't grasp the significance of it all.

But this I know: Jesus Christ is God, and died for me, taking upon himself all my sin and shame. Death could not hold him, and he broke free from the chains and slavery of sin, bringing life eternal to all who believe.